


The Med Student Rants

by sasufan11



Category: Naruto
Genre: Academia, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, Bad Jokes, Blogging, Comedy, Crack, Dark Comedy, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fun, Gen, Hilarious, History Jokes, How to be gay?, I Tried, In-Jokes, Internal Monologue, Its basically naruto writing a letter to you about the manga, Letters, M/M, Medicine, Meme, Monologue, Mutual Pining, NaruSasu - Freeform, Naruto being a sassy lil shit, Naruto is Just Naruto, One Shot, Other, Parody, Pen Pals, Protective Uchiha Sasuke, Read it if you were mad at the manga, Romantic Comedy, SasuNaru - Freeform, SasuNaruSasu - Freeform, Sasuke and naruto are soo in love dude, SasukeNaruto Love, Satire, Soliloquy, Some Humor, Students, Swearing, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto Friendship, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, University, Yearning, college humour, dry humour, narusasunaru, sasnar shippy airy humoury content, sns, student life, uni student
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23279467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasufan11/pseuds/sasufan11
Summary: Naruto  Uzumaki  is a Med Student. He is a fan of naruto manga. This letter comprises his rants after he finished reading  the manga.Warning: This is a too (stupid?) deep article, do not use in fanfictions, keep out of children’s reach and carefully read the package insert; it can cause life-threatening side effects such as intense headache, nausea, vomiting  and/or desperate questioning of your place in the universe.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	The Med Student Rants

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Naruto.  
> This fic is dedicated to Futago no Seishi, Lil PurplFlwr and Rasengan22  
> Special Thanks to ystava.

\--------------------------------------------------

From,

Naruto Uzumaki, (Id: 10110045)

Kyoto Medical School,

601-8478 Kyoto Prefecture, Kyoto, Minami Ward,

Japan.

Hey ya’ll,

Chirpy morning, eh? 

Have you guys read the manga called naruto? I for one (used to) _love_ it. That has nothing to do with my name being Naruto or me looking painfully similar to the one in the manga. Also, pardon my french, but _what the_ ** _fuck_** is up with the manga’s ending? The sheer amount of queer baiting and ends with a what? 

I say,  _ anticlimactic _ .

Random Konoha civilian: Happy days! Konoha is fun!

Orochimaru: Hi. 

Civilian: Oh no.

Orochimaru-Destroyed.

Civilian: Happy days again, yay.

Akatsuki: Hi. 

Civilian: Well, fuck.

Akatsuki-Destroyed.

Repeat the same recipe with Madara, Zetsu, Obito, and finally Kaguya  _ milf  _ Otsutsuki. Season with a spoonful of atrocious jutsus for taste.

15 years of suffering. The villagers obliterated so many villains. Whoop de fucking doo. It’s hedonism time. How should they have fun? Drugs(weed)? This is not Canada. So, not an option. Therefore, a fellow citizen with no access to pornhub might have suggested—

How about a fucking  _ orgy  _ ~~ falala!

They needed some. Else, they’ll end up writing Kama Sutra II, the extra exotic version. Written and illustrated by - Yours truly, the residents of Konoha. Katon, kiss my ass no jutsu. Kuchiosex no jutsu.? FTW!!

But, that’s not even the tip of this homoerotic iceberg. Naruto and Sasuke not becoming canon! 

* * *

Firstly, Ok fuck muffin, for one I get that it’s a shonen manga and you can’t canonize stuff like that, but you could have gone for an  _ open  _ ending?

Secondly, ok you decided against canonization of the obviously canon pair, but why was there a need to have an  _ orgy _ ? Pal. That makes even  _ lesser  _ sense than the law of Inertia. 

How did that shit even go down? I have pretty radical theories about this. (Go get some chips, ‘tis gon be long)

One fine day someone probably summoned an Indian priest to set up an auspicious time for an orgy. Then, the partners were chosen at  _ random  _ using a dice or a paper bag filled with chits on which their names were written. (Fuck the laws of conditional probability and combinatorics, we choose partners at  _ random  _ like  _ men _ )

*Ruffle* *Ruffle*

The chit says Sasuke. They ruffle next time and pick a chit and unsurprisingly the next chit is “Naruto,” ( _ Duh. _ )

The chit dude is like, Na na na nu-uh. Not possible. So, the next person will mate with Sasuke and the next  _ next  _ person mates with Naruto, Ok, everyone? 

Now you know why it ended how it ended.

So in the last stages I entered this generic ‘w.h.a.t.’ phase that had me go vaguely numb because  _ nothing  _ made any sense anymore.

God, someone sedate this mangaka.

* * *

So, First of all. What the fuck?

Second of all also..What the  _ FUCK _ ?

I always admired Naruto because he was all “I hate peeps who lie ta themselves, bruh.” and “Sascutey Imma save you from the darkness, bitch.” 

And Sasuke?

Don’t get me started on Sasuke.

I am getting started on Sasu _ key _ . Also known as the key to Naruto’s heart. Mama mia.

Have you seen him in the manga? Sure, he is attractive.(Hot, damn) But the point I’m trying to make, you imbeciles, is that have you seen  _ seen  _ Sasuke in the manga?

Allow me to just use five scenes(arcs?) to elucidate this (wonderful) phenomenon also known as Uchiha Sasuke. (ft. subway-fresh bromance with Uzumaki Naruto)

**Scene 1: Pre Shippuden Era.** Friendship/bromance. Incidentally the part where you cry the least tbh.

Did you feel the winds of repressed attraction about to  _ wreck  _ the roofs of the manga?

**Scene 2: Vote Battle.** AKA Descent of the homoeroticism.

Sasuke, I need a 250 word essay on why there was a need to put your face  _ three  _ inches away from an unconscious Naruto’s face? It also seemed like you did it for a very long time. Read too much Shakespeare, mate? I thought Uchihas were aloof, distant and shit? Where’s your sense of  _ personal space _ now huh,  _ arsehole _ ?

**Scene 3: The fateful meeting.** Also known as the birth of UST. Unresolved Sasukexual Tension.

Normies  _ hit  _ puberty. Sasuke and Naruto  _ beat  _ the shit out of it. 

Besides, darling Sasuke-chan, I don’t get your need to look at Naruto like either you are a raging  _ psychopath  _ or a female shoujo manga protagonist who just got confessed. Please settle somewhere in between. You’re scaring (scarring?) the hoes.

**Scene 4: The fateful meeting: Reloaded.** The part where Naruto hyperfuckingventilates after knowing Itachi’s story and the reunion after Danzo’s death.

(Serving each other the  _ Looks _ _ ™  _ left and right ) + (Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata playing in the BG the  _ entire  _ time)

See, throughout the shippuden arc Sasuke was so damn aloof, it makes you question the existence and working of his facial muscles. Especially the  _ occiopitofrontalis  _ muscle. Wait, occio-what? I’m a med student. Deal with it.

To be honest, I had a conspiracy theory about how, due to excessive usage of sharingan your face kinda  _ jacks up _ and you are unable to smile or just have a stuck up ragey look on your face. I assumed that this lonely king of dispassion hardly had any emotion.

However, as expected of Sasuke, after he and Naruto meet, he shouts like a crazy motherfucker that he is and...

And? (Bass drop.)

What the  _ actual  _ fuckety fuck?

When Naruto started talking, I nearly choked on my own spit looking at the pretty boy’s expressions. Bro,  _ son _ , dude, cunt,  _ Sasuke _ , my guy, calm the fuck down. Your ( _ gay _ ) feelings are showing.

**Scene 5: The Final (wistful + lustful) battle.** Legend says that this scene is documented as one of the top ten ‘bruh’ moments in history. Flavoured with tangy graphic depictions of HARDCORE love, ft. the (lack of) Upper and Fore-arm bones.

In other words, the chapter known as ‘It took 698 chapters,  **_15_ ** years and almost half my life to reach this point but it  _ might  _ have been worth the suffering.’

See, during/before the transpiration of the aforementioned scenes, If you listen and watch closely, you can almost hear Sasuke (and a few birds) stating narutic philosophy axioms on par with Socrates. Circa ancient Konoha :

  1. My one and only. (One and only _what?_ Bread? Bagel? Spaghetti? _Soulmate?_ Y’never know.)
  2. Did you not _h.e.a.r_ me? Only I can break him into a pulp.
  3. Fuck Naruto but also FUCK Naruto. (Raw me.)
  4. Let me protect you with my susano’o. (1000’s of ninjas maybe dead but romance sure isn’t.)
  5. Naruto is my waifu. Period. (Bold of you to assume he could be anything else.)
  6. Naruto = KFC, Finger Lickin’ Good.



* * *

Some more praise-worthy exhibit pieces worth noticing.

Exhibit A:

Sasuke: I’m an  _ aloof  _ introvert. Avenger. (Ore wa fukushusha da, mofo’s)

Also Sasuke: You’re like my horcrux, my body moved on its own  _ baby _ . 

Exhibit B:

Sasuke: Protects Naruto with his life in part 1. 

Also Sasuke: It ain’t much but it's honest work.

Furthermore, he also confessed his love to the god. That part where six paths sennin (tattoo lord) asked him what naruto was to him, he replied with:

“Naruto was a bro, when everyone else was a hoe, even fate.”

With a saskesque face. A sasukesque face is a normal face but with more repressed hate/grotesque. The grotesque could be directed at anybody who is not Naruto and Itachi.

Damn you, he even compares Naruto to Itachi.

And that part where: After the final(erotic) battle, despite Sasuke being an ( angsty - I am absolute - winning is  _ everything - _ ) Uchiha dude admits that he  _ lost _ ?  _ L.O.S.T? _

It's called **_GAP MOE_**. Look it up, cunts.

Translation: My love for Naruto can obliterate the hate that has been harboring in an Uchiha body for hundreds of years, since the start of ninja verse 1 A.D (death of tattoo giving bloke). The hate cycle may  _ Goeth fucketh thyself _ , nothing can come between him and Naruto.

I almost spit my ginger-ale when I read that part back then, you reckon?

When Sasuke and Naruto look at each other, I dunno what you’ve felt, but to me it seemed like they were looking at each other with this constant stare of lowkey  _ arousal _ . Sasuke’s is more repressed because yeah-well its an uchiha thing.

These guys are so extra ™ that they put the infamous Achilles/Patroclus ship to shame.

The final nail on the coffin?  _ Matching  _ tattoos. (Hear the titanic theme playing in the BG?)

* * *

Look, I wasn’t exactly expecting Naruto and Sasuke to hold hands and dash into the sunset in slow mo. (Actually, I did)

But, as an AU Naruto I can tell you this, when I read the fucked up ending I was  _ so  _ smad. (smad = sad + mad) I heard multiple earthquakes of doom vibrating in the distance, planet earth was unsettled too.

But be whatever, even in 2079 if one had to summarize naruto in two words it would always be:

NARUTOOOOO!!

SASUKEEEEEE!!

So yeah, simply put, sasunaru for life. (Yes, I shall let him top this  _ one  _ time.)

Aight, Imma head out. Cheerio!

Love,

Naruto

**Author's Note:**

> Please review. :)
> 
> Please don't hesitate to talk to me about the fic. I would love to know what you thought about it. :)  
> I am available on fanfic as well with the same username. :)


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